In
my last bit of instruction, I touched upon two important measures to take when
attracting the wrong woman. One must
appear unintelligent and richly dressed. Some of you may say, “Old fellow, I’m
afraid it’s too late for me. Before I saw your advice, I was a model of
intelligence and a lack of pretension. I am betrothed as a result.” Well, this
post is for you. It may be hard to get your lady to quit you by looking like an
unintelligent show off. She has, unfortunately, already seen the good in you.
Still, you aren’t married, so there is time yet. For a bit of help in how to
rid oneself of a fine lady, we may look to such authors as Hester Mulso Chapone
and James Fordyce.
If
you have shown yourself to be intelligent, the remedy to the attraction that
brings is to appear boring, and Chapone and Fordyce will be great references
for anyone trying to appear as boring as possible. One may think that the way
to appear boring is to have nothing to talk about. This is quite untrue. If you
speak very little, your significant other will fill the emptiness with gabbing
about lady things such as frocks and hair doodads. She will consider you an
excellent listener and wrap her claws even tighter around you than before. One
must talk to appear boring. The trick is to talk about boring things such as
those mentioned by Chapone and Fordyce. Topics to avoid include anything that
may make you seem too interesting and imaginative. You should never speak of a
novel you have recently read. Novels are far too entertaining a topic to put
anyone off. It was noted by Chapone that these “fictitious stories, that so enchant the mind… tend to inflame the
passions of youth, whilst the chief purpose of education should be to moderate
and refrain them.”
Instead
of reading novels, you should follow Chapone’s advice and read historical
texts. Don’t read recent history, as it may be too relatable. Chapone instructs
as to which ancient texts to read and says that “[w]hen you have got through
Rollin, if you add Vertot’s Revolutions
Romaines… you may be said to have read as much as is absolutely necessary of ancient history. Plutarch’s Lives of famous
Greeks and Romans… can never be read to so much advantage as immediately after
the histories of Greece and Rome.” After you read these texts, give your
opinions on them to your fair lady. Recounting the tousles of Lucius Cornelius
Sulla Felix is a sure way to bore your woman half to death.
If
history isn’t dull enough, then moral texts are worth a try. The ideas in texts
such as Fordyce’s Sermons are either
outdated or common sense, so discussing them will make listening to you
unbearable. Share with your darling this sentiment of Fordyce’s, and try to act
as sincere as possible when stating it:
“I
am astonished at the folly of many women who are still reproaching their
husbands for leaving them alone, for preferring this or that company to theirs,
when, to speak the truth, they have themselves in great measure to blame. Had
you behaved to them with more respectful observance studying their humours,
overlooking their mistakes, submitting to their opinions in matters
indifferent, giving soft answers to hasty words, complaining as little as
possible your house might be the abode of domestic bliss.”
After
you both bore and offend your lady, she will realize that as much as she loved
you, she cannot spend her life with the drudgery of listening to you speak. You
may rid yourself of a lady, and in her place you may frolic with a girl such as
the one pictured below.
The excerpt from Fordyce's Sermons by James Fordyce was taken from:
A copy of Hester Mulso Chapone's Letters on the Improvement of the Mind can be found as an e-book at:
Fordyce is so right. If women just ignored all the mistakes men made the world would be such a blissful place.
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