What
kind of woman do all men really want? A trollop. That’s right. I’m not going to
pussyfoot around the truth. A dandy, such as me, needs not to pretend that he
seeks a wife. Many eligible bachelors fall into the trap of matrimony. I weep
daily for my friends that succumb to the whim of a good woman. The way to avoid
this trap is clear to me. One must appear unmarriageable to attract the right
kind of woman, by which I mean the wrong kind of woman.
Women
have many materials to reference in regard to conduct. Men, on the other hand,
are left to be themselves, which is the worst social error one could possible
make. To avoid this error, men may benefit from the advice given by Dr. John Gregory
to his daughters in 1774. This advice was meant for the ladies, but I am here
to translate some advice given to women into advice for men. As women were
guided in social situations to find a the right man, so I will guide you to get
the girls you desire.
The
first bit of instruction is to never appear too intelligent. As Gregory told
his daughters, “ if you happen to
have any learning, keep it a profound secret.” Women love
intelligent men. A brain is a sure way into a lady’s heart. An empty skull is a
sure way into a hussy’s bed. Should you possess any intelligence, I urge you to
hide it well. A more virtuous woman will be in raptures if you show too much
common sense. A good way to hide common sense is to drink to excess and get in
lots of fights. This behavior exhibits ignorance and virility. These are two
traits that will excite a doxy most foxy. They will also put off any reasonable
and virtuous women, so you can be sure that any woman that approaches you will
not be interested in more than a roll in the sheets.
You
may have gotten the attention of a nice looking chippy, but if you want to
rodger that minx, you must keep her attention by looking presentable. Gregory
tells us that “the love of dress
is natural to you, and therefore it is proper and reasonable. Good sense will
regulate your experience in it, and good taste will direct you to dress in such
a way as to conceal any blemishes, and set off your beauties, if you have any,
to the greatest advantage.” A dapper appearance such as mine
shows good breeding and wealth. Most good time girls are terrible gold diggers,
so it’s good to show off your money. I suggest you have as much money as
possible. If you are lacking in money, you must pretend you have it. It is
better to be thought tacky then to look poor. Observe this picture of me as an
example.
I
have a beautifully tailored and expensive suit of clothes. Notice the bling on
my coat and vest. Strumpets love bling. I also wear a cravat, which is
completely unnecessary as I am lounging about my house right now. This superfluous
peacocking tells women that I find myself far too important to think that they
are important. This is the kind of image that will attract the wrong girl.
(Also, it’s worth noting that a well-powdered wig never hurts one's efforts
with the tarts.)
A Father's Legacy to his Daughters was written by John Gregory and a copy can be found here:
Love the Hugh Laurie pic!
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